Okay, I am spiraling... again... out of control. Well, no, that's not true; I have 'total control'. Or rather everything is stagnating, but kind of like a centrifuge which is in fact constantly moving but in one direction and to nowhere in particular. I have too much on my plate, and the world is not in my corner. Not that I can expect them to be, mind you, but the resultant situation does seem to put a damper on the prospects of my goals and aspirations...

I am in the show at Ohlook, [title of show]... FABULOUS. I love it, and I love my cast... they are amazing people. Some of the finer people I know at the moment. Unfortunately, the time I get to spend with them is marred by the fact that I spend every other waking moment (basically) at my day job. At that place. With those people. And it is, I feel, killing me softly.

Susan Blackwell - famed fellow "day-jobber" from [tos] - says (as I was reminded by my good friend John, that upon creative stagnation, one must keep doing something... anything... even if it is, in fact, a spiral doodle on the page one which you are writing. And suddenly I see the grand metaphor for the "page" and the potential "doodles" one may "write" thereon... huh...

Anyway, I stated (on facebook goddamnit) that I was spiraling, or trying hard not to or whatever... and in accordance with Susan Blackwell's words, John reminded me that I must, in turn, "rock it". One must "Rock the spiral" to keep going, keep all of it moving until you can pick back up where you left off. And it makes perfect sense... COMPLETE sense. Keep the mind moving, as the hardest part is just "starting".

"Just start. That's all you have to worry about. Starting. Get away from your computer, grab a notepad and a pencil and just write. Anything you want. Play. Doodle. Whatever. Okay?" says the character which I portray in the show when he talks to his best friend regarding creative inspiration and the set-backs thereof. Man, I wish I were a writer. That'd be amazing. But then again, I am quite the fatalist, as of late, and feel that nothing I have to say is of any great (or marketable) import. THAT BEING SAID... that is quite alright. And who knows? Perhaps the creative spark that triggers the ability to formulate quality thoughts into recognizable and universally understandable patterns will happen when least I expect it... wouldn't it be loverly...

Anyway, I am feeling a tad better as I sit here wasting time eating my bread-and-milk (thank you, Nigella Lawson! Although my bread is lo-cal and my "milk" is Almond Milk... go figure)... my head hurts however... and feels a tad dizzy. I felt this way last night at rehearsal and chalked it up to the heat and the ridiculous amount of "spinning" required in our choreography. I'm sure it looks fabulous, but at present, I kind of suck too much to get it right on the first night...

Here's hoping we have a show on Thursday... and that's not because I doubt we will have it ready as much as it is I doubt the marketing put into the show itself. Whoa... bitchy, Marshall. Pull it back. Anyway... all the same... here's hoping.