So I feel like I've come to a stand-still. Big news, I know, but I wanted to try and see myself explain it, so here goes...

I am keeping myself from the outside world. I am imprisoning myself in my house and defending my captor... and it's stupid. It's stupid of me to say that my friends never call when I have cancelled so many chances to associate myself with them. And what's worse is I try to turn it around on them by magnifying any instance in which they are unable to sate my desire to socialize... and I am so ashamed.

I need to just leave my comfort zone... leave my home... get the hell out. But I don't know where to go... how to do it... WHAT to do... and, as an aside though pertinent to my predicament, I'm so very frightened that I am going to be too old to save myself from my own loneliness. I don't want that to be the case, but who's to say it won't be?

I suppose a good Christian would tell me to find strength in God or Jesus... and it is short-sighted of them, in my opinion, to think that I haven't tried that in the past. God and Jesus are not there. And that's fine, because there can be plenty of people there... REAL, LIVE people who will listen, whether they want to or not... it's simply up to me to go out and find them...

Yes, the problem is within... but I think the problem therein is an emptiness... and while the solution may come partly from within, I think the emptiness will be shoaled with something that may very well come from the outside... heaven knows what, but that, I think, is my quest.

Here's hoping...